


The Words That I Could Never Say (i love you)

by 1Temmie_Official1



Series: Someone, I tell you, will remember us, even in another time [4]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/F, Feels, I Love You, Love Confessions, M/M, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Sappho (fl. 600 BCE) Poetry, Some Humor, Trans Azula (Avatar), Trans Zuko (Avatar), Ursa tries, because oh boy oh boy I am having those bad feelings and its better to write a fic, boy oh boy time to project onto my favourite fire siblings, sappho quotes as a love language, than to wallow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:34:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29456094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Temmie_Official1/pseuds/1Temmie_Official1
Summary: I love youSometimes the words felt like honey on his tongue. Salt and sea collided in a beautiful god of a man. He'd say it forever if his throat would let him; if his mouth would run dry with his sand, then those would be his last thoughts as he turned towards the sky.-I love youSometimes it was amazing how light the lie came to her. The response had become automatic, and sometimes... sometimes... she didn't think about it too much. She spun the lie of her own fabric, her hands were the destruction and the creator. She was the reason the lies felt so real, so close to a fact that almost anyone could call them the truth. But she knew. She knew.
Relationships: Azula/Katara (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Series: Someone, I tell you, will remember us, even in another time [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2116947
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	The Words That I Could Never Say (i love you)

**Author's Note:**

> This is what I chose to write as a Valentine's day one shot because uh I'm angsting real hard rn and have no other way to express my feelings, so now everyone is being forced to read this.
> 
> Hey so this gets HEAVY yo! This is your warning. Half venting so if the writing quality gets bad you know it's hitting close to home

I love you.

It was one of the first things that Zuko had known. A truth so ingrained in himself that it had been the first fact he had been able to recite, even before he knew his true name. I love you, Father. I love you, Mama. I love you, Lala. It was the first breath of fresh air in the morning. Freedom was in love.

If only. If only.

I love you.

Azula had used it. It was a tool but it was hard to turn a feeling into a tool. It was hard to separate the truths from the lies. The things that Ozai had planted in her head- _you're just confused_ , _I know who you are, there are only a few actual transgendered people in the world, you aren't one of them, you aren't a girl_ , _the world is dangerous, I'm doing this to keep you safe_ \- she shook the thoughts away like butterflies or maybe bees. There was too much colour anyway, too much paint staining the canvas of her hands, to tell the differences of silly things like truths and lies, butterflies and bees.

She started to believe the buzz of the noise herself. Started to believe. That she loved him. She took the strands of the words and wove them into something bigger, and when the tapestry wasn't to her liking, she painted over it. She sealed the details. She seared them into her flesh. It was better this way. He loved her, she was just being a bad child, a bad person.

If only. If only.

I love you.

Zuko tried. He tried so much, so much until it wore him down. Until he was grated from an unpolished diamond- _Mom always said he had so much potential_ \- to grains of sand. Nothing left of the beauty before. He was just. So angry. Father didn't love him. Mother was leaving. He didn't know what to do. He just wanted to be loved in the saddest sense of the word. To feel wanted. To not have his love be torn away or used against him.

I love you.

Sometimes it was amazing how light the lie came to her. The response had become automatic, and sometimes... sometimes... she didn't think about it too much. She spun the lie of her own fabric, her hands were the destruction and the creator. She was the reason the lies felt so real, so close to a fact that almost anyone could call them the truth. But she knew. She knew.

She started to believe it. It was spilling over herself like an overflowing ink cartridge. Choking her down. Mixing with her tears in her mouth as she spat out her doctored lies. She was so fucking sick of lying. She didn't know if she was lying. Azula just wanted to feel something again. She just wanted to be something again. She just wanted to be someone that people could love, she needed to be loved, she craved the attention; that was the only way she knew if anyone cared about her, if she meant anything at all. She wanted it all. She wanted more. She needed more.

Azula just wanted to be seen. She wanted to be noticed, to be loved. She just wanted someone to love her. She was sick of giving. She was sick of everything being taken from her, her self worth was nothing, she needed to give more otherwise she didn't mean anything. Agni, she just wanted to be worth something, anything at all.

She wanted to be loved.

I loved you.

Zuko had gotten out. He had left. He had grown up, though he still missed the people he left behind. He hated how he left Azula behind, but he couldn't save her if he couldn't save himself first.

He felt guilty. It was part of what he had internalized. No one cared for him, yet he was shamed for not caring, for not taking charge of what needed to be done. He was the one who was held responsible. He was always the one to blame. 

He knew now that it wasn't true. That it was because of his father's manipulations and abuse.

It should have made him feel better to know why he was so fucked up.

If only.

If only.

I loved you.

If only Azula had tried harder, been better, done more. Then she could have done it. It was just one thing. Always that one fucking thing that was wrong with her. She was tired.

So tired.

I loved you.

Zuko met him. Something sparked in their eyes. "Hi." The man greeted. "Sokka." He stuck out a hand to shake. Zuko took it. Their palms met and something shook him.

_Oh._

Is this what that four-letter-word was supposed to feel like?

Zuko found himself wanting more.

And the grains of sand he thought he was were forming to be a castle.

I loved you.

She couldn't bear to say those words anymore, not after they had been used against her. Not after they had become a lie. Not after they had become a weapon. It was that book that saved her. Something innocent in a bookshop. A book of Sappho love poems. She had scoffed. What could a mortal woman know of love? Azula thought she had all she needed to know.

That book was her saviour. She never let it go. Sappho's words became mingled with her own. Her show of affection. Her language of love. With every well-wishing was intertwined with her sentence of love. 

It felt nice to say it again.

I loved...

Zuko never quite knew the appeal of drowning. He always felt like he was on fire, something searching to be burned, if anything just to feel warm again. But he thinks that he could drown in Sokka. Zuko had always thought himself a desert, something scorching that everyone was to avoid. Something barren of land where nothing could take root, where nothing could thrive. If Zuko was a desert, then Sokka was an ocean, vast and sparkling and beautiful and consuming. He thinks that he could still be sand. He thinks that he could be a beach for one more day.

I loved...

She was something beautiful. She moved with the water, something flowing and kind in her movements. "Katara."

Azula felt a smile on her face. _Oh_. "I'm Azula."

Katara tilted her head. "Azula, huh? It suits you. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl."

Azula always thought of herself as a thunderstorm. Lightning screaming at the sky. Always above everyone. A hindrance. But the rumblings of something inside Azula's heart made her think that she could learn to love the rain, if only to have Katara say her name like that again.

I love.

It had taken years. Finally. Finally, it came to him. He had saved the words like a precious jewel, or even just a sentimental object. Not taken out unless for something special. "I love you." He finally said. Sokka had said it much before. He never felt the need to say it back, instead showing it in other ways.

Zuko never wanted to stop saying it. "I love you, Sokka."

"I love you too."

Sometimes the words felt like honey on his tongue. Salt and sea collided in a beautiful god of a man. He'd say it forever if his throat would let him; if his mouth would run dry with his sand, then those would be his last thoughts as he turned towards the sky.

Sokka was as beautiful as the day he met him. "I love you."

Zuko never wanted to stop saying it ever again.

I love.

Katara and Azula. Azula and Katara. It was written in the scars of their hearts, wasn't it? wasn't it only a matter of time until something came and gave them happiness? It felt too good to be true.

Katara never made her feel like she had to try. It was a strange feeling, and Azula had felt many things over her years. She felt... loved. If that was true in any sense of the word.

"I think I'm falling in love with you." Azula blurted. It was the first time she used words that were her own.

Katara smiled. "I love you too."

It felt like what home should feel like. It felt like freedom. It felt like Katara.

If this was what love was, Azula would never let it go.

I love.

It was nerve-wracking, meeting Sokka's sister and his sister's girlfriend. Sokka had assured Zuko that Katara and her girlfriend were quite chill, and that even though his feelings were absolutely valid, there honestly was nothing to worry about.

That... was an understatement.

Katara's girlfriend had recognized Zuko instantly. Luckily, she was stunned into silence, giving Zuko a perfect opportunity to scrutinize what was so shocking about... oh. "WHAT THE FUCK!" Zuko screamed.

Sokka frowned, putting his hand on Zuko's arm. "What's wrong? Is she like a crazy ex girlfriend?"

Both Zuko and Azula's faces were that of perfect disgust, shock, and indignation. "She's my sister." "He's my brother."

Sokka grinned. "See, nothing to worry about!"

Zuko and Azula glanced at each other. Azula frowned. "So. Congrats on the boyfriend."

"Congrats on the transition."

There was an awkward moment of silence.

Zuko coughed. "So, uh, did you abandon Ozai too?"

"Yep."

"Ah. Cool."

"Yes."

There was laughter.

Zuko could not find himself to care.

-

Azula turned her head to the sky.

Something was different. It had been 6 years since she left Ozai. She felt... lighter. She felt the opposite of everything she had in Ozai's house. Free. Loved. Wanted. Needed. Worthy.

She smiled, a genuine, full-out grin across her face. Something that hadn't happened in years. She turned to her girlfriend.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> Continuity errors? Never heard of her.


End file.
